Mullets (first printed in FOCUS, July 2011)

Some fashions remain classically timeless. Think simple black shift dress, plain gold wedding bands, a white James Dean style t-shirt, a French chignon. A mullet does not fall into this category. Mullets are one of those horrendous mistakes in the universal salon experience of hair fashion history that should have been hidden under scarves and hats until they could have been styled out – never to be seen again. But no. The mullet still launches the occasional surprise hand grenade-like visual salvo on the sensibly coiffed, cunningly disguised as a current trend: the metrosexual faux-hawk; the frullet; the skullet. People, this is not uber cool. All it does is encourage closet Bogans to step out again in confidence.

I even Googled “mullet” because I couldn’t for the life of me figure out the logical explanation behind the label. Ever wondered about it? The name for the hairstyle I mean. Go on. Think about it. Just for a second. Got nothing have you? There’s a reason for that. It’s as ridiculous a concept in name as it is in practice. However, blogs and message boards are filled with arguments about the origin – no-one agrees. I was astounded to see that people actually care enough to fight about it. Countries want to claim ownership of it. Seemingly intellectual types wax lyrical about the historical and cultural basis of the style and the name – they  to and fro with in depth discussion. I just wanted an explanation on something absurd. At least that other hideous blight on the hair styling landscape, the rats-tail, sounds logical. Stupid but aptly named.

No body looks good in a mullet. It’s not ‘all business on the top and party in the back…’ The party wound up a long time ago and people moved on. A mullet doesn’t match anything. It doesn’t cover anything. It doesn’t highlight your eyes or the shape of your manly (or womanly) jaw. It does not make you look good in profile. Your silhouette is not enhanced. It will not trick the eye and make your gut look slimmer. You cannot gel it, spray it, tweak it or streak it to improve it.  It. Does. Not. Look. Good.

Ok, so it’s breezy and it keeps your neck warm. Find a new stylist and buy a scarf.

About Anna Robertson

Anna Robertson believes the most interesting things happen in the most mundane places. This is a collection of thoughts on life, people, places and other nonsense.
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